The show opens demanding that we know they’re in New York. The Donald gets out of a car and reminds us that the show is all about charity, then the celebrities are introduced. I talked a lot about who they are earlier.
Next, we get the montage of celebrities showing how important their causes are. I get it, but I hope this isn’t part of the opening every week. We’ll hear enough about that during the episodes if the celebrities are at all passionate. Look at Meatloaf’s breakdown last year, when he realized that the enormous amount of money he made for The Painted Turtle, a camp for children with chronic illnesses, may go to another celebrity’s charity instead. I was happy to see The Painted Turtle walk away with over $200 grand, but I also enjoy seeing drama. That’s why this is on TV; imagine how dull it would be if we were watching normal charities try and collect normal funds the normal way.
Then again, maybe there’s a show in following a group of door-to-door petitioners trying to beg some cash. Of course, they all have to live in the same house. Contact me if you want to produce it – I’m game.
Next comes the montage that makes us want to watch the most. People start yelling at each other, calling each other out and creating drama. I notice that it looks like it will start out boys against girls again. I already have my two picks ready and I intentionally worded the last sentence to reflect my attitude that we’re picking favorites in a schoolyard game of dodge ball but with higher stakes.
Everybody shows up on set, some inspirational and amusing soundbites are given and the game begins. There’s a band on stage playing the intro music. Okay, a 19 or so piece orchestra can be called more than a band. It still costs less than what most of the celebrity musicians onstage would charge for one performance, so it isn’t quite as impressive as you might think. Nice try, though. A+ for effort.
Donald, because his first name is enough, reminds us that the building they are in cost a billion in donations to renovate. That’s a lot of loot and there’s a good debate in there over whether it was a good investment, but that’s for another article. For now we listen to the celebs tell us a little bit about why they’re relevant or what they care about or why they’re ready to fight. Arsenio takes an early shot at Clay Aiken and you should already be sad you missed the show. He’s still got chops. Here’s his show interview, from ScreenTeamMedia where he takes a shot at LaToya, admits to expecting to regain attention and sizes up his competition:
Dee Snyder cuts into the New Jersey housewife and tells us all that he thinks like we do when he says he’s waiting to see her flip a table. Is that a first act gun? I remember someone flipping a table in that montage we just saw. Lisa Lampinelli takes a shot at Donald by remarking on the lack of color on stage. Adam Carolla makes a joke.
Then Victoria Gotti calls out my girl. Debbie Gibson will destroy you, miss overly severe persona. (Please don’t have me killed, kthanxbai)
I was right. We’re going boys versus girls to start. Teams have to split up, pick the most popular kid and come up with a team name. Here’s where we pick our two winners. Since it is early, I’ll pick a runner-up, too. Those could change if people don’t live up to expectations.
Dudes, I’ll have to back George Takei on this one. I follow the dude on Facebook. I can’t say that about any of the other celebrities in the game. Penn and Arsenio are tied for runner-up.
Ladies, Debbie Gibson for the win. The rest of the field is made up largely of people I’m not familiar with or don’t care about. Lampanelli has been funny – I’ll pick her for my safety.
The men make a lot of jokes, and then Penn makes the brilliant connection between team naming conventions and the obvious and the boys are dubbed unanimous. Nobody disagrees.
Gibson is brainstorming names and Gotti reminds us that she doesn’t like the Pop Idol. Nobody cares because Gibson throws out the word Forte and Gotti is the only one that shows even an iota of disappointment.
Patricia Velásquez takes the project manager role. I discovered that she’s the first Latin supermodel. She’s playing for The Wayuu Taya Foundation. They’re an organization dedicated to helping indigenous Latin American people preserve their culture while still competing in the modern world.
Lou Ferrigno lets everyone know that he has a hearing problem. From this point on it should be a nonissue. It didn’t work out quite so easily for Ms. Matlin last season, but she was the last woman standing in the end so we know that even if the celebs make it a problem, it isn’t for The Hulk. Paul Teutul steps up as project manager, surprising everyone and speaking for the first time since the show started.
We’re told that the Andretti that isn’t present (I hadn’t actually noticed) is being by the Andretti that I’m actually expecting because of a fatal accident. That sucks, what’s the challenge?
Our celebs will be making sandwiches. Last year they made pizzas pretty early on. The men will win this one. Paul probably has more experience running something like a sandwich shop than Patricia and the guys seem to get along better. Plus, this season’s women seem to be more of the waited on variety than the men.
Paul (I’m sticking to first names from this point on) says he can pull a half-million in donations. Penn rallies the troops behind making mass amounts of good sandwiches, which is good because everybody else will “save their guns for later (Clay).” They’re branding the one day deli around Paul, and the sandwich is to be dubbed The Chopper.
Gotti starts chopping into ideas off rip. Things start getting catty when recognizabilty comes into question and Aubrey is offended because she has more Twitter followers than anyone in the group. She mentions a group she belonged to but I still don’t know who she is. She reminds me of Snookie a little bit; I should really look her up.
A feud is set up between Paul and George. They do have drastically different personalities, so I can see it. I like them both at this point, but it is a competition so we’ll set phasers to kill if it gets too vocal. Ivana shows up and points out that Paul is an everyman and she plans on holding his feet to the fire. I’m not too worried for him.
Patricia gets on the phone. Dayana does the same because she was directly inspired by Patricia. Also, she’s a team player. Other people get on their phones, too. Gotti does her own business and Lisa notices.
Debbie Gibson looks hot in what looks like workout gear.
Michael shows up. He’s ready to go.
Teresa is an awesome cook. I forgot about her. She’s got two cookbooks out and they’re both bestsellers. She’s just become golden this round and more interesting. Plus, Debbie seems to get along with her. Cheryl seems to be on some kind of mood diminisher.
Victoria doesn’t show up in the morning. She shows up late and announces that her eye is hurt and she’s prescient.
George is enamored with Lou. The guys are energetic. Hot girls curse in a group.
The girls are fun and Wyclef shows up to show some support. He drops $15k. Numbers are becoming important. Wyclef and Debbie jam. Aubrey trills a little and it doesn’t sound too bad.
The hot females bring $5k to the men’s table.
Big donors start loading up the ladies. Russell Simmons shows up, along with some others. Everyone starts scrambling to find him a vegan sandwich. Cheryl asks him if he wants to take the chicken out of a chicken sandwich and she’s done. Time to go home, girl.
Young Donald inspects the girls. He’s impressed.
The guys seem to be struggling. They’re entertaining, but the store is empty.
Patricia and Paul get a call from Donald. They’re supposed to go to Rachel Ray and get a pile of cash. Paul sends Adam and Arsenio. Patricia sends Victoria and Lisa. Rachel discusses the men’s ratio and the women’s chew. Arsenio points out correctly that a sammich is more delicious than a sandwich.
Clay reminds us that the guys aren’t making any money. The girls get another 20k. The stores close and the challenge is over.
In the boardroom, Patricia lauds Dayana. No surprise. Tia is also given commendations but she says something stupid and has to be put in check. Cheryl and Victoria are called out.
Paul gives Penn the thumbs up, which is absolutely deserving. Paul doesn’t want to throw anybody under the bus, but calls out George and “maybe” Arsenio. He uses the word “meek” to describe George, which will probably prove to be his downfall. Music gets serious, Paul apologizes for his choice of words, game continues.
Rachel Ray picked The Chopper. Guys get $35k. Lou is still in great shape, but smaller. Donald owns Miss Universe. I knew that but I forgot to care enough to remember. Paul was a great leader.
Patricia made over $120k. It’s a record. The men scored over $350. It’s a bigger record. It’s still shy of the $500k we were promised. I’m happy to see Paul keep the big donor anonymous.
The girls spread out. Dayana, Teresa and Aubrey all brought in money. Debbie defends Victoria, which shows me she’s thinking. She throws Cheryl under the bus. Cheryl deserves it.
Donald loves Diddy. He’s a good guy. Aubrey doesn’t like Victoria’s negative energy. Tia can defend herself. Ivanka thinks she was flippant. Tia would whoop her ass.
Lisa is turning out to be a sweetheart. She still calls out Victoria for her personal business and Cheryl for being unfocused. We’ve reached a decision, people.
Patricia, Victoria and Cheryl are the three left. Cheryl will leave, Victoria will be mean.
I’m wrong. Victoria gives a small pep talk to Patricia, reminding her not to show weakness.
Everybody held back donations. Cheryl has to go home, because she essentially gives up.
Next week Victoria will go home. You heard it here.