How Not To Fill Out A Dating Profile

Some time ago, I joined one of “those” websites. You know, one of those dirty little corners of the web where lonely people go to commiserate in their misery. I’ve met some wonderful people on there. I’ve also met some of humanities scabs. Which means it isn’t a whole lot different than running round in the chaos of society. At least on the internet I’m given an ignore button.

Dating websites really aren’t so bad. Statistically, dating websites have been proven to be pretty effective and a large array of people use them. So, if you’re lonely, bored or just generally interested, don’t be afraid to give them a shot.

One of the best things about joining the website is the people watching. I can spend large amounts of time reading people’s profiles and not having to bother actually communicating with them if I don’t want to. Many of the profiles I read are amusing, interesting, entertaining or intriguing. But, inevitably, a majority of them have some fatal flaw.

“How can a dating profile have a fatal flaw?” you ask. Let me explain. (side note: fatal flaws does not mean I really look down on someone. Just that I think they could handle the profile better. All opinions are my own, so take them with a grain of salt.)

I’m looking for a/an [complimentary adjective] person.

We’ll start out nicely and with something fairly innocuous. It’s completely understandable that someone would write this. It’s only right to let our potential suitors know what we’re looking for, correct?

Here’s the thing. If you say that you’re looking for someone that is kind, funny, caring, compassionate, intelligent, or any of a million other adjectives, you will not help your cause in the least. Most of humanity will tell you that they are kind, funny, caring, compassionate, intelligent and a million other things. Even if we really aren’t, we want to believe we are.  So don’t waste your time on empty words. Instead, write down a few sentences that really says something about who you are and what you want from life. That will go a lot further in weeding out incompatible others.

No players/Players need not apply/No cheaters/Not looking for a hook-up

By using these words, you have just done the dating equivalent of putting a bucket over your head, running out on a driving range and screaming not to hit you with a ball.

Are you so naive that you really believe a “player” will read it and say “holy obvious Bat-man, this one isn’t for me!” Nobody wants a player. Well, almost nobody. The large majority of women don’t want a guy that cheats on them. The large majority of guys that cheat on women don’t care what they want. Writing something like this on a profile, however, shows a naivety that can be prayed upon. A player will go after you just to make you a trophy. Please don’t do that to yourself.

Let’s talk about your pictures!

I can’t count the number of profiles I’ve come across with pictures of women and men together. I don’t care if that man is a brother, cousin, father, best friend, random stranger or ex… don’t go there!

When we’re investigating profiles on a dating site, we’re looking for individuals that we can date. This means that we look at the picture and then insert ourselves into it in order to see how the match looks. This is a natural reaction when looking for a mate.

Now, if there’s another guy in the picture when we pull it up to look at it… CREEPY. Finding out it is a sibling or friend does not help. The vision has already been ruined.

Somewhat relative, your main image shouldn’t have another female in it either. I don’t want to be bothered to figure out which one is you, especially if you’re the ugly one. Sorry to be mean, but you’re bordering on deception with this one.

True deception, however, will just make me put you on the ignore list. Angles that shave off 75 pounds may get you a date, but it will not be a good one. If I meet you and you look completely different than what you looked like in your pictures, you have just pissed me off. If looks aren’t important, why are you trying to change yours?

My kids are my life/I love my family/etc.

Now is when I get to make some enemies. Try and make it to the end before you judge me.

First, telling me that your kids are important doesn’t endear you to me. If you are a parent I fully expect that your kids are important. I expect you to spend most of your time, energy and resources raising them and nurturing them and loving them. If you don’t, you suck. Writing about how much you love and care for and look after your kids is not telling me anything about you, it’s telling me you’re exactly the same as the billion other parents in the world.

Secondly, I don’t want to hear about it. I’m not there to date your kids. I’m there to date you. Are you really so uninteresting that you need to talk about your family? I don’t want to hear about your parents, your brothers and sisters, your cousins or your friends. I may be interested in your pets. Probably only in passing.

I knew you had kids when I read the part of the page that said Children: yes. I don’t need it to be repeated. Your profile should give me insight into who you are. If talking about your kids is the only thing that makes you interesting, you’re telling everyone that you’re looking for a “baby daddy.”

If I know you have kids and we still go out on a date, I’m saying that I’m willing to accept everything that goes along with you being a mother. Before I accept all of that, I need to really know who you are and what you’re about. Be interesting, let me understand what kind of person you are and tell me about yourself. When we hit it off and decide to make it serious, I’ll meet the kids. If your kids are all you can talk about and the only thing that makes you interesting, why are you dating? You should be at home. With your kids.

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Filed under Dating, Life

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